Top Secret Stories

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A few days before I flew to California to have my abortion I went hiking with my family and my significant other in a place I love. I felt like I was standing on a precipice in my life. I was myself but at the same time, I wasn’t. I thought that there would forever be a before and after for me.





I never imagined I would be a woman who got an abortion, no offense to anyone, I simply never imagined that I would do that (does anyone?).  Despite having a daughter already, whom I'm very happy I had despite the difficulties with her father,  I had an abortion when I found out I was pregnant this past spring.  I felt an immediate sense of loss and a terrible sadness because I looove babies and a big part of me really wanted another child.  I still struggle with it and vary between feeling fine and even at times forgetting about it, and then remembering and feeling so very sad again...I feel at times that I made a huge mistake and I have no idea how to get back what I had, and yet...if I could turn back the clock I would still be faced with my circumstances, nothing would have changed on that front, so that I end up thinking that I wish so badly I would have tried harder many years back to make my circumstances different just then.  



by Eileen Drennen



The wipers make their slow dance across the windshield. Their constancy – like clocks and metronomes – is soothing. It comforts you to know the next sound is coming and the one after and the one after that, a rhythm to lull and fall into. Something to rely on.

Your mother crying in the passenger seat while trying to sound like she's just blowing her nose. From the back seat, you notice a silver pincurl clip she's missed in the back of her brown curls, which you consider grabbing for her but then don’t. Your father has both hands on the steering wheel. All you can see of him in the rearview mirror are the corners of his dark glasses and the slopey side of his gray felt fedora. All his attention is on the road, which seems to wind in sharp curves every couple miles. You don't care about seatbelts, just want to somehow stay right in the middle where you can see them both. Being pulled from one side of the car to the other as it hugs the twisty road is a relief, like being on one of those rides at the fair. It never does any good to fight the forces that swirl you around in circles, tumble you up and slam you down. All you can do is let go.